Why do I always shake a bit when I try to speak spanish? I just was speaking with a clerk in a store and I just get a bit nervous. I guess because I have this wanting to speak eloquently, as I can (though dont often do, hehe) in english... but i struggle with spanish. Que dificil!!! Such simple interaction and I get done with it and feel nervous. Usually I dont shake while the interaction is happening, just after. Oh well, living in a spanish speaking country for a year will cure this, estoy seguro.

But it could be the coffe too.

Hands blurring before my eyes.
Cannot focus, thoughts speeding every where
Finger taps on the desk bring solace
Buzzing mind wandering on an open trek

I am quite intoxicated with a potent and powerful drug. I do not normally consume the drug in this form. It has such a marvelous smell to it. It tricks us. My eyes are moving back and forth without my knowledge, my brain has relinquished control of my substantra nigra within the basal ganglia to this potent drug that swarms within me. Lack of sleep increases the affect. My knees begin twitching back and forth, and keep touching my face for no apparanent reason. There is a haze around me, I feel awake and yet asleep. My body wants to dance to salsa music but my head wants to be put down on a soft pillow. I shiver.

How do people not notice and recognize this as a powerful mind-altering substance? There are so profound effects in just a short time. It has not even all gone through my liver yet. And yet I can feel the tremor approaching. The dull headache that will probably ensue unless I consume more. Our body punishes us, but also symbiotically works with the drug, for it craves more too - and we know that if we consume just a bit more, then the headache too will disappear.

The most interesting thing is that my hands are blurry when I type. And yet I feel like I cannot type fast enough. I cannot watch them - it makes me want to laugh- there is the sleep that I am lacking, kicking in and wanting to kick me to the ground in insane laughter for no apparant reason.

Ah yes, a twitch, a tremor a tick... it has begun. What is this drug that most daily users become acustomed too, or really, become tolerant to? Coffe arabica.

Intoxication can be tasty. Embrace your coffee tremors!!!!

Ahh!!!! Anh nhớ em rất nhiều… khi nào máy bay của em sẽ đến đây? Oy, anh sốt ruột qúa! em ơ đâu !?!?!?

It is no small victory what has happened today. For any one who has a tad bit of interest in human rights and has even a pinch of Chilean history enmeshed in their knowledge banks, then the results of todays decision to go ahead and prosecute former Chilean dictator Pinochet should bring a smile to your face.

Some might argue that prosecuting a 90 year old man is just cruel. He is going to die soon any way. Yet I feel this argument is bereft of the considerations and implications of a guilty verdict for Pinochet, who would most likely face the death penalty (of which I am against). However, the conviction would be a long-awaited legal testament that South America, that the world, is more unwilling to tolerate the kinds of military bannana republics and puppet democracies that seem constant through the centuries. This trial is important to the families of los desaparacidos, and I presume of Chileans, latin americans and all of those who are empathetic to the notions of democracy, dignity, and equity...

Indeed then, we should be paying attention, because the coup d'etâts of the 20th century are not done away with. They have simply taken a new form.

We might overtly see the U.S. military intervention Afghanistan, and I will risk being called ignorant of this issue, as a coup - even if sanctified and carried out on the front pages and with a smile. We might also call into question what the U.S. has and continues to do in Iraq as a rather lurid form of regime change, replete with undemocratic principles of the uptmost high.

Yet there is another, more striking and perhaps tangible example, of how the U.S. has not shifted its policies of dubious and deadly regime change that suit its own wishes. Haiti, if any one remembers March of last year, was the rather confusing week or two of news reports of this guy named Aristide stepping down from power, some more black-on-black violence and aww, isn't Haiti so poor. Of course, this is the view one might get if they simply read the mainsteam media without further investigation. Nonetheless, the events, indeed the real coup d'etât that occured in Haiti this last March (and it certainly was no bloodless as some like to call it) - is reminiscent of the same process by which the United States and those private financiers (like Riggs bank) helped Pinochet to come to power on a much less infamous September 11. Though certainly this is because Latin America is cast into the shadows, wrongfully and detrimentally.

I must wonder, if people take notice of the Pinochet trial, if they believe that justice is being served, if they can sit placidly in the face of witnessing another Kissinger-CIA-style Pusch (tweened to fit the style of interactive and computerized media of today), and do nothing about it.

A rather morbid but comical illustration in the NY Times:

How could I study when I love you so much?

I am missing you online. Well it is 3am your time, I hope that you are sleeping. I miss you. I wish you could come online and I could just smile at you so much. I came home soaking wet because it was raining so cold and hard and windy. I literally was wet every where when I came in at 11:30. I was so cold. I looked for you but alas was missing my baby. I thought about what me tre would tell me. Haha, yep, of course its what i wanted to do: go take a hot shower and get out of these cold wet clothes.

I hope you enjoyed your shower. Thinking about anh yeu, thinking about art... about how the water feels on your skin, how it feels on my skin when we are together.

The movie (El Mar adentro - The sea within) was very emotional and powerful. Both Mike and I cried several times. I came in late but apparabntly didn't miss much. I am going to buy it because i want to watch it with you. I do not want to go through the storyline like i do other movies. Instead i just want to express my responses and emotions to different parts of the storyline.

The main character, Ramón, is a quadrapalegic, who is paralyzed from the neck down and cannot feel any of his body. Only his neck and head. He wants to die. He is alone, he has to be cared for by every one around him. He feels a burden and helpless. Feelings of being alone of dying, but not really of dying but feeling like I think that one can never know if one would want to die in that situation or not. So hard....

The feeling of needing to be there for someone else, my mother who is alone, but its not that i have to be there its that I want to. Still there is this feeling of trade of freedom, but its worth it. I love her. She makes herself happy. She must do so. It is about self-realization too, i cannot be responsible for so much, only for myself. And that means being conscious of my actions and doing what i can, not what I cannot.

What is freedom? Are we free to die? Shouldnt it be about that ability to choose if we wish to live or die or not? There is such an inability of this society to deal with death.

One of the lines is "The person who really loves me will help me to die." wow. Such a concept... we always think of loving someone as being there for them that we will be with them until we die, but do we ever contemplate being there for someone if they need to die, and us to allow them to, to provide them with that ability? Can we let go? Can I let go? Love and soul mates, we would die together yes? Maybe true love also is the realization that you must love them enough to let them have that individual freedom, if they want to die, then we must do what is best for them if that is what they want. And a soul mate will know. So much love, so much feeling and thoughts of choices. She will know.

To want to live in order to die.

They knew each other for so little time but developed that love that is willingness to let go.

Wow, individual circles becomong union. Lan Anh and I. Our circle. A smile that it feels so fresh and there. Clean breaks. It feels so nice to be able to say fuck the past. It feels so free to know that we have overcome this hurt. i am sadened that there is this. Why was I so stupid? So much respect and awe for Lan Anh's patience. Together. Together forever. Together. Two-gether. Two people one union. No one else. Living life for ourselves. It is about living the moment without trading any thing.

There were many expressions of 'how things used to be' in the movie. There was a lot of imagery of wanting to be able to fly, but of course 2 of the characters could not - they could not move, they were paralyzed... but in death you can drown, you can fall over the cliff, but you can fly now. Fucking the past isnt about forgeting it or not learning from it or appreciated it. its about leaving it there where it belongs. A snake must shed its skin or it will die. It still has skin though. Why is it so simple.

Beeing true to ourselves. Ramón wanted to die.. but there came a point when he was crying and hollaring and shouting "why do i want to die? Why cant i be thnankful for all that I have? Why do I want to die and not be here?" He knew what he wanted. I know what I want. We have to be true to ourselves. We have to be who we are, and not be afraid to be that. Its so simple, yes it is.

Imagery of the sea, a cliff. Thoughts of Lan Anh talking about being on the edge. There is only one person. Heart beating so fast. Feels like such a wonderful truth that comes into me. Remembering Yanni song playing over and over and falling in love with Lan Anh.

Deep breath.

Missing so much but feeling so present and filled with a sensation of spirirt of being. Warm water never felt so good. Idealism and passion are so wonderful.... gardens in far away places. Not dreams but realities in planning. Dreams too. Realities is screwed for exams. Haha, no, feel so ready because my soul feels like it is so renewed. Why did it take such pain and deep meditation? Well it did, why worry about the process when you have the present the feeling, the being. Feeling happy. Smiling. I am, you can see.

Will she show the elephant man???

I saw this story on news.google.com and just shook my head. Ok, back to studying for final exams.

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2004/12/05/1102182153874.html?oneclick=true

Thais that bind, at least on paper
December 6, 2004

A "peace bombing" aims to ease tensions in Thailand's south, writes Connie Levett in Bangkok.

More than 100 million paper cranes were dropped over Thailand's troubled southern provinces yesterday from 54 military planes.

The "peace bombing" was intended to show the solidarity of all Thais with people living in the south. For more than two weeks, Thais have been folding messages of peace and support into origami cranes.

Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra had promised to shower the mainly Muslim south with the paper birds on King Bhumibol Adulyadej's birthday.

The birds carry messages such as "Please love each other, and no more killing", and "May peace come to the south very soon". To any child who catches his signed paper bird, Mr Thaksin has offered a scholarship or a job for an unemployed adult.

The Pattani United Liberation Organisation (PULO), a separatist group, criticised the air drop as a sideshow to distract attention from the real issues.

"Even if you used banknotes to fold 100 million paper birds and dropped them into Pattani kingdom . . . it would not stop the suffering of those who have been severely oppressed," the group said on its website.

Tensions have run high in the south since 85 Muslims were killed at a demonstration at the Tak Bai police station, in Narathiwat province in October. Seven protesters were shot and a further 78 died in detention, most from suffocation when they were piled up inside military trucks.

The military limited the number of drop zones for yesterday's peace bombing to 33 districts in Pattani, Narathiwat and Yala provinces because of fears the planes might be attacked. More than 550 people have died in the south since an attack on an army base in January left four soldiers dead.

The PULO group has now offered a bounty of more than $A2600 for the killing of governors or senior government officials in the south.

Critics have dismissed the paper crane concept as a gimmick, a Japanese tradition that has no relevance for Thais, and one that will lead to a huge littering problem.

But there is no doubt that Thais have embraced the concept. Tying the paper cranes to the king's 77th birthday celebration ensured public participation in a land where the monarchy is deeply revered.

In his annual address on Saturday, King Bhumibol did not mention the south, focusing on national unity, duty and public health.

The giant clean-up will be handled on a rewards basis. In Yala, people can exchange 50,000 birds for a bicycle, 5000 for an electric fan, or 2000 for a packet of instant noodles.

Across the south, children were making nets to hang from trees to catch several thousand birds at a time. In Pattani, fishing boats will lay nets to catch the birds before they hit the water.

Saifuloh Abdulloh, 14, told the Bangkok Post he would use his mother's washing bowl to catch cranes. "Above all, I can't really wait to see what is written on those birds," he said.

Here is a link to the new DEA project and exhibit 'target America' - complete with fear mongering and trying to scare people into believing that smoking dope causes terrorism.. oh and they talk about Opium. Word to those who have been reading the reports and news: the opium trade and supply has INCREASED in Afghanistan (as far as we know) after the US war...

Check the link out.. bellow is a link critiqing the exhibiit by the DEA:

http://www.usdoj.gov/dea/deamuseum/website/

and the other link from Alternet: http://www.alternet.org/drugreporter/19873/

They play the AUDIO RECORDINGS of what was going on on 9/11 while people go through this exhibit. Holy shit.

Craziness? yep... Orwellian? hell yes... surprising??? nope.

From Lan Anh to me at 1am... study breaks... study study
study but always have time for each other.

M oments of night swifting by ....I am struggling with
essay...Crossing the sky and land.....Hoping my sweetheart is
breathing...A deep breath of love.... Embracing us and his
true...Love, for me and us.

My response....

L ate at night giggles .... A ttempts to study for final exams feel
fruitless... N ever without the thought of what brings us together....
A devotion to creativity, to love, to patience, to breathing to
sighing, to working together... N ice to feel my body against yours
especially in cold, my warmth goes there to you ... H oney is just
fine, dont have to be sugar.

[B] POOF! [/B]

From nguoi yeu cua anh to me at 1am... study breaks... study study
study but always have time for each other.

M oments of night swifting by ....I am struggling with
essay...Crossing the sky and land.....Hoping my sweetheart is
breathing...A deep breath of love.... Embracing us and his
true...Love,for me and us.

My response....


L ate at night giggles .... A ttempts to study for final exams feel
fruitless... N ever without the thought of what brings us together....
A devotion to crativity, to love, to patience, to breathing to
sighing, to working together... N ice to feel my body against yours
especially in cold, my warmth goes there to you ... H oney is just
fine, dont have to be sugar.

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They have a strong welfare state that actually seems to work and
despite inefficiencies nonetheless grantees unemployment, pensions and
health care to its citizens. They are neutral in war and tend to look
down on it. And just recently they have implemented a cannabis
awareness program in order to help try to reach out to the 1 in 4
adolescents and young adults that regularly consume marijuana. It's
none other than Switzerland. According to a Swiss Info article
released on December 2 2004, "Cannabis – quo vadis" an exhibition on
Cannabis, was setup in the city of Basil.

The exhibition is a response to growing concerns over cannabis use in
Europe, and especially Switzerland, whose teenagers and young adults
are largely unaware of the long-term affects of cannabis, that they
can become addicted, and that they should be aware of the marijuana
laws in Switzerland. Most youth, according to the article, are unaware
that possession and dealing of marijuana is a crime in Switzerland,
even though it has been decriminalized to the point of almost none
enforcement.

The exhibition takes an approach of education rather than lambasting
and demonization of the drug. Rather than employ tactics which are
likely to just be ignored, the Swiss government hopes to allow people
to express their feelings, their use and knowledge about cannabis at
the exhibit, while at the same time reading about personal anecdotes
as well as scientific literature that explain long term harms of
habitual use, as well as question what the article says is the 'daily
joint habit' of many Swiss youth.

This approach to marijuana, recognizing that it is a public health and
safety issue and should be addressed, is one that is likely to
actually get results. Rather than linking marijuana with terrorism, as
the United States has done – or to the complete and utter demonization
of it – the Swiss government takes the "lets talk about it and you can
see for yourself whether this is right for you."

In my opinion, the Swiss seem to be onto something much more effective
– in terms of costs as well as results – than military raids,
Orwellian exhibits and abstinence without thinking approaches.

Article bellow:
http://www.swissinfo.org/sen/Swissinfo.html?siteSect=108&sid=5376553

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- Jedimike