Confusion, i think, is a state of being rather than a state of mind. To explain... often times when I am confused, the rest of my body is also in a rather... 'foggy' state. I find myself undecicive and clumsier. But that is sort of besides the point.... why am I confused today?
Hah, for the same reason I have pondered the last few days of my existence. I feel like im increasingly more disenchanted with the academic rubric ive placed myself into. Berkeley is an awesome place, a campus to bask in the sun, and yet bustling eith political excitment and so much to do that I almost feel like becoming a hermit with all of the opportunities, to withdraw into my own little world. My classes are mostly theoretical, and while that on one hand fascinates me, there is somethig.... evil or at least misleading about taking classes that are theory laden.... for instance, my political science 'politics and economics of development.' Fascinating teacher from harvard, very intelligent. The class is also of course intelligent.... but all we seem to study are academic readings from many people. I've fast become disenfranchised with it - not because it is an ass load of reading, but because it doesnt really seem to accomplish much. On one hand, i feel i should learn these concepts so that I can understand the minds and ideas of those trying to help others.. afterall, one asssumes that you go into development economics for at least the minimal concept of good will or wanting to make the world a better place. Yet, it does not seem that for all these books and fucking brilliant ideas, that the fruits of them have really come about. My brain is in a struggle of activism versus idea making. I suppose the idea is, we learn all of these theories and thoughts and how they've influences policy, etc....
but I can see by simply taking a look around the world through the eyes of my friends.... through listening to many of your stories, to talking with people who live in the conditions that many 'scientists' here are trying to 'solve.' The situation seems to simple: provide food and shelter to those who need it, now - the resources are there, and the distribution systems ARE in place." Yet as my good friend Matt Crespi said, "but people want more stuff." In other words, it does not happen because others want those resources, and do not want to provide the distribution. Why not a theory on, "fuck the politicans, ship the food, the medecine and set up guards to make sure it gets to the people." - but then that means political turbulance and all sorts of other things. In short, I am frustrated with how complex things really are, when the idealistic part of me sees the simple solution, the process is indeed intricate - and not because its hard, but mostly because, people - myself included- always want more stuff.. we act a lot of times for ourselves.
Yet its also sort of wrong to criticize this idea - since many of us DO think about others and do our best to help. Hell, there is no obligation that the US or UN do any thing to help people (though it seems wrong for them not to), it really is only by good will that anyone benefis from all of this. So many thoughts all at once, I could not even compute them all. Yet what I DO know is, is that all the theories, at the end of the day, do not feed a million people. However, situations seem to be better than they were a hundred years ago.
What will be my place in all of this?
WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH?
Who am I to decide what other people want?
It almost seems unfair that I am concious, that I think outside of myself. There are so many days i would just like to crawl into my own little world, to stay in my theories and hypothesis, to be in a book and a parchment... and yet I feel that that wont accomplish the things that i want to change. And since i am only mortal and will die shortly, what can i possibly do in this small time I am here? I guess be true to myself and my values. To always question and think. To act when I can and feel like doing so. I don't know.... and thus, that is why I am confused.
