you'd need sound to really appreciate this:

http://starterupsteve.servepics.com/swf/endoftheworld.html

So a while back I posted a couple of quotes, and will continue to do so when i read one that i have memorized and will use.

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't."

....

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."
- Tyler Durdin, FIGHT CLUB

yeah... I am an Emergency Medical Technician (well used to be)... so I have a stomach for blood and guts and people throwing up and the like. I've seen people murdered before.. it's horrifying.

But I just watched the video of the american civilian being decapitated... and wow im not even sure what to say. That was some fucked up shit...complete with sound and the yelling of allah akbar as they work his neck into pieces.

I think it is important to see the kinds of brutal things that humans are capable of, and instead of making us want to do the same kinds of things to other people.. perhaps it should make us go 'woah.. this is messed up stuff we do, maybe we should stop it.' And that means realizing the horrendous things our own countries and people have done and are doing.

Sometimes force is needed to stop people from using force.. but more often than not there is evidence to show that wars and conflicts are not started out of any utilitarian vision of helping others.

Crazy fucking insurgency... God bless our boys and girls come home ASAP.

So I went to the dentist today. I had not been to this office before, because in Sacramento, I had the same dentist all of my life.. and this was my first time in like a year..

So my dentist comes in, a very sweet desi (indian) woman, Dr. Rashmiri, with what appeared to be a gujarati accent.. i was right. The first words out of her mouth after hearing I had not been to the dentist in a year were "Let's see how many cavities you have!" Oy.. that always puts on in a relaxed mood.

The dental technition who did the x-rays was mexican, so I got a chance to practice my spanish. It was sort of fun doing so with all the crap in my mouth, because it gave me time to think and speak slowly... like i would any way =D

And I was sitting and waiting... and waiting.. and thinking about how much I hate going to the dentist. But, in the middle of all of that.. I also realized how much I appreciated the ability to do so. You know, between the 35 X-rays shot into my head and all.

I realized what a priveledge dental care was... and the fact that I have to pay for it may suck some.. but.. at least having it is a start. Of course, even in America, only about 50% of the population can afford to see a dentist reguraly. I'll assume that that is the same and probably much less so for any country that does not have a universal health care system... It sort of makes me sad that that is the case. I wonder how many dental practices offer free or reduced costs to impoverished communities. Probably not many. How unfortunate... but what can one do? There are always things to change on my mind... but I suppose it all relates to a central axiom: how we view the world.. are we community oriented or focused on self? That goes for economic as well as personal relationships. ::sigh::

And it turns out that I had 1 cavity.. man I hate the smell of the drill boring into my tooth burning away some of the composite. Oh well, its done now.

and here I am, smiling :-D

This has got to be one of the weirdest brief MSN conversations I've ever had =D

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*** nickmoraitis@hotmail.com (nickm) has joined the conversation.
Jedimike - : hey Nick
nickm: hey
nickm: i am in a meeing
nickm: and my msn window
nickm: is on the projector right now :)
Jedimike - : lol
Jedimike - : hi everyone!
Jedimike - : alright, ill leave you alone =D
Jedimike - : ::waves from California::
nickm: eeveryone says hi
nickm: and bye
Jedimike - : yep
nickm: as we go back to excel
nickm: bye
=====

So yeah.. that was Nick in Costa Rica with me interupting a meeting :-P... but to be quite fair, he did not have his away message up =D

For years I always had the same hair cut... very very short... then...last year about this time.. I decided I would grow my hair long. So I did, for almost a whole year I kept it going... and I am glad I did.

But today, I cut it short again. Wow, it feels like a different personality. Well not really.. but.. it feels hard to get used to. I feel like I have a new perspective on the world, and I can't quite tell how. It is interesting how... how something like cutting your hair, makes you feel different.

Oy, I almost wasn't sure what I was getting myself into...

The hair stylist place got weird fast. There was a very elderly gentleman who sort of just went right at it and freaked me out, so I asked him to stop.. we had a lack of communication as to what was going on.. so a woman, very nice persian woman, took over.. and she was patient with me.

So yeah... I like it... its weird.. growing my sideburns out along with the new style, because i've never done it before =D

You can get lost in your thoughts of good friends, and keep looking at their pictures over and over again.. until you realize you've spent an hour doing nothing but look at photographs... and then even further.. you realize you've spent most of that time thinking about one person... and you sit back and think: woah, am I stoned?

Nope... must be something else.

Bored and want to look at some of my pictures?

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=999&gid=4241101&uid=2175961

I am listening to a mixed CD... and this song just seemed to stick out.. it is one I have always liked... just a good American classic. There may be a lot of things I am not proud of the US for doing... but some of the music has been great.

This is Bobby Darin's 'Beyond the Sea'

Somewhere beyond the sea
somewhere waiting for me
my lover stands on golden sands
and watches the ships that go sailin

Somewhere beyond the sea
she's there watching for me
If I could fly like birds on high
then straight to her arms
I'd go sailing

It's far beyond the stars
it's near beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
my heart will lead me there soon

We'll meet beyond the shore
we'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be beyond the sea
and never again I'll go sailing

I know beyond a doubt
my heart will lead me there soon
We'll meet (I know we'll meet) beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be beyond the sea
and never again I'll go sailing

no more sailing
so long sailing
bye bye sailing...

"Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize every thing you ever wanted, one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip." - Eminem

For all the stuff I hate about Eminem, the song 'loose yourself' is brilliant....

I've been lost in the moment lately.. a very intruiging moment with a very good friend. I feel a tension within myself, pulling me in so many different ways... do I take time off school? Do I try to travel around, to explore myself in an intellectual manner and learn spanish more... but risk loosing the chance to explore myself, in another situation? Do I just take time off and work on a project in Toronto if I have the opportunity?

For all the 'one shots' in the world, it feels like i have so many and its overwhelming. But, I'm also confident that things will be ok... "It's so incredible, the way things work themselves out." Is a wonderful line from my past that has been music to my ears.

The last few days have been so busy... trying to balance work and school, and other projects I am working on. Trying to find a new room mate, work out so many emails and ideas and projects is fun, but, I am essentially now taking 24 units with the added Vietnamese class that I am auditing... and working 30 hours a week.

I am so behind my 'social welfare' research job on campus. When I first started working there is seemed like fun.. but now it feels like just work. I should be fired, but, I'm honest and a hard worker when I need to be, and I'm good at what i do... im just so behind.

Thats sort of the story with school.. though im not really behind, i am on track sort of.. but with finals appropaching i have this feeling of complete underprepairdness combined with a lack of really carring. Yeah, I'm not getting into a good grad school, hehe, but thats ok.

Well, I need to study for my spanish oral exam tomorrow...

---

Somewhere between the laughing at pointless musings stoned to oblivion and jumping off bridges into the river, cold cold river, I found inner peace.

And maybe I can't take it with me forever, but I can always say for a moment: look at the shimering water rippling in the wake of trillions of disturbances unknown to any one. Look at the greenery of the folliage as you travel yonder to soak in the days light. Look at the sand, that which rubs coarsly over your toes. Scratch-scritch tickle... ouch. Feel the warmth of being held in a blanket of cold shivering madness. Know that you are about to die as you hit the water and the first breath you take is what freedom really means. Just listen to the music and the meadow lark, we are clandestino, we are in harmony. Sense the ability to stop and loose your sense of direction because you suddenly realize that your proprioception is held in the balance by microscopic particles of sand, that which now tingles and irritates your feet. Disavow that irony exists... Care not for time or reason, but for enjoyment and wisdom.

Today I swam and played and splashed about in the american river, without a care to the world. Sacramento California - home town to the 7th worst air polution in the United States, the air so thick with the plagues of our lungs you can see it moving in front of us.. tiny particles. But somehow the trees are worth being here. Meeting up with Sid Akbar, Sonny and I arrived in Sacramento around 1pm. Cruising.

Sid and I depart, working on camera techniques, filming at a park, filming life... moving in its various trajectories. Filming death, all of the life moving toward it.

We rendevouzed with Guru, a sweet friend who has been a blessing to my life...we go way back, she is sid's girl friend. We met later with Sonny. Oh yes, and a young boy, Chris, and his dog Maddie, were being watched and cared for by Sid for this weekend - so they tagged along. The place of our arrival was on the mouth of a part in the river. Curving paths of trees so green you have to sit down to understand. Centipeeds. Beetles. Sand and army ants, making life continue from their macroscopic responsibilities but existing in a microscopic world.

And oooohhhhh was the water nice on this hot day. All shirts off, we were three men bear chested and without thought otherwise. Our only concern was the sun. The rich water, minerals seeping into our pores. The vitamins of the hot blarring hydrogren bomb that created life on this planet. What audacity to think we should try to more its creation and yet use it for destruction.

The bridge, chattering and creeky as we traversed its old wooden boards, a chipped-blue fence heeding us on our way, simple wires easy to hop over tempted us to jump. And jump Sid and I did, who knows from how high. The sting of the water, the first breath, the feeling of accomplishment, the excitment of air rushing at you as you fall and you don't know if you just thought it shouldn't take this long for you to hit, or you're just thinking to fast. But there it is.

Visiting mom was great, she is such a tender person, even though not in the best mood today. I love coming home. There is no other feeling in the world like touching the light bramble bush or feeling the leaves of the mulberry tree, or seeing old faces and old friends, and past times renewed.

And in the early morning today and hence forth, thoughts of ones you feel so connected with, an intense understanding and with a giddy sense of mystery. An adventure waiting to happen in a distant land between two distant persons who could almost not be closer together none the less. No need for silly taunting, no need for trying to analyze. Nothing but a cheezy smile can really explain it. A soft breath followed by a longer one is the contentment of being here and knowing true amazment, yet also realizing frustration. We are inter-beings if there ever were some.

Traveling home, the music so loud cannot keep me from sleeping as Sonny drove, the lights bright, my allergies a nuissance but not bringing down my euphoria. I would put life in this horrid plight of sneezes and sniffs and cloudiness if but to know peace like this again. To endure such triffle things requires little effort.

love is a fickle thing, as is hope... as is hatred and despair. Yet in many ways they are all interconnected, often defined in terms of what they are not rather than what they are... but I digress.

Waking up from my slumber, my sweet dream of being, I sit here early in the morning, 2am, realizing I have so much to do tommorrow, or perhaps today, and yet I cannot help but thinking...

Let it wait, let not our fears or hopes be idolitary, but instead, run through the fields, down the lush pathways, spend good times with ones friends, listening to music that brings joy, listen to things not to escape from reality but to understand it. Run and jump into water and have the responsibility to loose all known responsibilities.. because sometimes.. life just needs to belong to you, no one else... and that was my little bit of peace.

Today was a great day.
*wishing her a safe flight home*

Often times people mistake my somber moods for sadness. I don't wonder why, my face takes on a sad look and i look less reflective and more depressed.

Today has been a mix of feelings and emotions for me... though to be all truthful.. my day began by ending nicely, that is to say, I was on the phone until almost 2am with a good friend and one that I increasngly spend my time pondering over.. well.. not necessarily just her.. but more or less the things we talk about.

Well, I woke up way past the time i expected to get up.. no problem... put on Manu Chao's 'Clandestine' CD, which has been the source of good dancing for the last few days... and proceeded to begin writing on the tig discussion boards.

In fact, i think i spent about 3 hours writing on them today. I think I need to stop - i dont feel like im getting any where.. there really isn't discussing going on.. more like arguing against a wall.

But, thats what i did... my arm had some mild pain.. i danced around my room to good music and then read some of my homework.. but mostly browsed the internet looking at stupid stuff... with shifts of daydreaming.

You see, I was supposed to go to work today.. and i did... at 4 in the afternoon. Then, after another hour of writing on the tig discussion boards, I did some work and then slacked off some more.

Lazy day, no? ::sigh:: perhaps i just have a lot on my mind and concentrating on some type of writing or reading is the only way i can stop thinking directly about every thing.

I really need to learn how to clear my mind without taking an hour to sit and meditate.. which on days like these just helps me to be more at peace with myself, perpetuates the somberness... and i end up thinking about things again.

The interesting part, is that I feel like my thoughts are scrambled.. no.. not stoned today... just cant keep one line of thought.

But one of the things i really did notice... is that i feel very much alone. Not in the sense of lack of companionship... but in how I think. I'm frustrated that I feel like i have to keep most of my thoughts in my head, yet realize its for my own sake. I realized I don't really like going to parties that often.. sometimes im in the mood... but about 3/4 the time i do its because i feel obligated to go.

I was supposed to go to a friend's going away party tonight, in San Francisco.. but i blew it off... id just waste money drinking or not have fun...

and yet I have so many things to do... and want to do none of it.. because I cannot focus.

::deep breath::

oh well... ill just go back to reading.

I wrote this a few minutes ago... interesting use of linguistical tools... something to think about, me thinks:

"And I don't give a fuck about ones dreams to making millions of dollars one day, not while there are millions trying to survive off a dollar a day."