Anger followed by despair.
I feel lazy today, and in a trite amount of pain that wont subside.
I'm surprised the pain has not returned while I type.
So much to do and it is to hot to think about doing any of it.
I just want to take a nap and wake up when I'm motivated.
Got a lot done yesterday, maybe today can be productive.
Just need to write down and smile as I do it.
Realize that some days you have to be a reluctant enthusiast, but remembering obligation, priorities and future hapiness.
That of course can bring present contentment of mind.
After a rest, after some writing, after some more meditation, I'll get to work.
A deep breath followed by renewed hope.

Like selling your car for gas money, ripping off my arm because of the severe pain in my elbow would be pretty stupid. So why do I feel like doing so? I have had this shooting pain in my upper ulna and radial nerves/bone that seems to eminate from the elbow. It is sporadic... when i push i door, when i move my right arm a certain way, or sometimes typing. right now it is not so bad. I have no idea what caused it.

But... I do know that it feels hopefless to try to do any thing about it. I have already seen the doctor and i think her prognosis was wrong. She sent me to phsycal therapy, but i am canceling the 2 sessions because i cant afford it. It takes weeks to ever see a doctor about any thing and even if the doctor knows what is wrong, most of the time we (students/poor people) cant afford the costs to fixing it any way. AND.... pain killers dont work very well, i get immune to them.

Maybe America is a great place to live in some regards, but for all the oppulence and wealth, we sure dont have a clue how to take care of peoples suffering. Sure some can afford the best health care in the world.. like maybe 10% of the people at best. Maybe if we didnt spend $400 billion on military programs...

So maybe I need some time off of school. I wonder if I could possibly escape my situation... by taking off and traveling the world and living on a very poor salary. Maybe raise $3000, put $1000 away for emergencies and take $2000 and start out in Mexico. Maybe I can tutor/teach english, or other subjects, in exchange for housing/food/minimal pay - id definately learn spanish a lot better that way. Then I could continue on and perhaps do the same thing through central America, and Sud America. Hmm... then from there the Carribean, and then where would I go? Maybe end my travels at that point and take a break. I think thats moderate enough. If i could make it to europe and do the same thing that would be great. Don't know if there is much of a demand for tutors though... would probably just try to get whatever job i could. live from my own means... maybe continue on to the middle east, learn arabic and teach english for the same deal. I wonder if thats possible.. and if I actually have the courage to do it...

Maybe if i dont get accepted to the spain program, and a few other things dont exactly work out, thats what I'll do.